Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
