I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
