This house was built for laser tag.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
