I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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