when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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