He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
