I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize