I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
