Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
