Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
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