i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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