i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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