I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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