my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
