as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
