I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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