Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
