i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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