did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I need a beard to bite.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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