The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
