I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well I just put wine in my tea
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
