How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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