dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
