Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
