My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
