dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
