I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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