My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Randomize
