Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
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