i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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