i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
