I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
where are you?
Hypothermia
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
