i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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