dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
