just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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