i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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