I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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