Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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