I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm really into asian looking animals
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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