oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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