I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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