dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
