Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
