you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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