I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
