He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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