Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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