I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
