mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
