Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
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