thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
