Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
