I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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