Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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