I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Don't make out with my wife yet
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
