dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
