wakey wakey hands off snakey
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
