for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
