I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
