I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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