I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Drunk is not a location!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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